Sod my best of 2016 – This is the post you’ve all been waiting for.
Over the last 7 years I’ve had the pleasure of spending a lot of time with this very literal, surreally perceptive little man. And I’ve been asked many times to collate his pearls of wisdom in some form. So here is a list of ‘Felixisms’
Theres some photos too, but I know that’s not what you’re here for –
Happy new year!
Felix: maps are for finding pirate treasure
Me: some are, but some tell you how to get to places
Felix: no – that’s satnav
A Christmas Carol
Felix it’s getting frustrated at the lack of characters being eaten in Muppet Christmas Carol.
Every time a new ghost turns up -does this one eat people?
No Felix. No-one is getting eaten in this film.
So what’s it about then?
Felix: I know how to say all the colours in French.
Me: go on then
Felix: toutes les couleurs
Me: do you know what you want to buy with your birthday money?
Felix: an exit
Me: erm…. I’m not sure what you mean.
Felix: let me show you (walks out the door)… Like this, but a toy one.
Me (seeing all the pictures of dinosaurs around the school): have you been doing a dinosaur hunt?
Felix: yes, but with pictures of dinosaurs. For safety.
The other week Felix went to watch the speed skating at Nottingham Arena with the school. The teachers told the children that the louder they cheered, the faster the skaters would go. Felix cheered his little head off and was sent home with the class mascot for the weekend as a reward for efforts.
The other morning it was icy on the way to school, so I thought it would be a good chance to talk about the effort of just staying upright on ice, let alone whizzing along at such speed.
Felix asked if I’d ever done speed skating, and I confessed I’d been skating, but I found it difficult to stay upright and couldn’t move very fast.
Oh no, daddy, he said. It’s doesn’t depend on how good you are at skating, it’s about how loud I cheer.
Poppy: it’s dark out here.
Felix: it’s alright poppy, I’ve eaten LOADS of carrots.
Me: Felix, do you know what ‘resolve’ means?
Felix: It’s when you’ve solved something and it goes wrong again, so you solve it again.
I took Felix to meet his little brother today. He could barely contain his excitement. I never realised ‘hee-hee-hee’ was a noise that anyone really involuntarily made (outside the beano)
He’s also convinced that baby’s heads fall off really easily (I gave him a little talk the other day, and he got the wrong end of the stick… and it’s too entertaining to correct)
Me: go easy on daddy. He’s had very little sleep and is not in a good mood.
Felix: you made up a story…. But not a real story….That’s happening now.
On the farm
Felix: What’s the good news?
Felix: I don’t want to come into town. I don’t want any bread or milk.
Me: What do you want for lunch then?
Felix: Nutella on……. Cheerios with….. Actually, I’ll get my clothes.
I took Felix to see the Doctor today, she was trying to persuade him to eat his vegetables and told him carrots would help him see in the dark.
He told her he had a light in his bedroom, thank you very much.
Red Riding Hood
Felix: Did you know little miss riding hood has a red Cape?
That means she can fly.
Felix: no I’m just looking at the garden, there’s the garden over there (points to window)
Felix just sung me a harvest song to prove that sweets are vegetables.
(Swede, Felix… It’s meant to be swede.)
Woman in charity shop: oh dear… Sisters can be horrible.
Felix: you know my sister? She takes my socks off and pushes me off the sofa.
Nurse: well she is only a little thing. I’m sure she can’t be that bad.
Felix: you know my sister? She hits me with sticks and pushes me off the sofa
Little boy at swimming pool: My sister chopped my head off.
Felix : She did what?!?
Me: Shall we have P.I.Z.Z.A for dinner?
Felix: I don’t like Piaza
Hazel: We’re 90% of the way to not being able to do that anymore.
Thank You Cards
Felix, today we’re going to make some thank you cards for your teachers.
Because they’ve looked after you all year and taught you lots of things.
I taught them lots of things too.
I’m sure you did.
Good things……… Like when I need the toilet and when my leg was hurting and when I was too tired.
Me, explaining how felix’s alarm clock works: The hammer hits the bells like when you hit a drum kit.
Felix: Or when you hit an elephant.
Me; Why would you hit an elephant?
Felix; To get a tune.
Hazel: Jen’s got 15 inches of snow
Felix (looks out window): it’s not snowing!
Hazel: Jen lives very far away, in America.
Felix (still looking out window): is she very small?
Hazel: she’s an adult, like me and Daddy
Felix: but she has to be a very small adult, like this…(curls himself up to make himself tiny)
Me: Felix, is she very small because she’s far away?
Me: When you have your school dinner, can you eat just one of your vegetables.
Felix: I did, I ate my bread.
Me: Bread isn’t a vegetable. What’s your favourite vegetable?
Felix: Yorkshire Pudding
Me: Yorkshire pudding isn’t a vegetable either.
Felix: I know it’s not a vegetable, but it pretends to be a vegetable.
Felix: when Santa comes I will be blonde again
Me: you are blonde
Felix: no I’m not. I’m wearing a hat.
Felix: what are you two doing?
Hazel: daddy and I are just having a cuddle.
Felix: that better not be a special cuddle. We don’t want any more babies.